Lost and Confused – Divorce Journal

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Lost and Confused – Divorce Journal

I am… beyond lost. Beyond confused.

It’s a been a little over 5 weeks and things seem to have only gotten worse. My wife isn’t willing to talk to me about anything – even the basic issues at hand in the divorce. That instead of being willing to exchanging simple texts with me, we’ll run up a huge bill with the lawyers so we can work out something simple like scheduling our cats for vet appointments. Years of savings going up in smoke, to avoid changing a few words with me.

The fact she left with so little warning, without being willing to really discuss or try and fix things itself was a betrayal I could never expect – but it only got worse from there. While I would never claim to be the best husband in the world, I tried. While not to say I didn’t, I never willingly or knowingly harmed her in any way. That even after she left, aside from perhaps trying to talk to her, I did my best to try and give her what she needed.

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In return, last week, she filed a protective order against me. The reasoning? That I not only was suicidal (apparently being distraught that my person of 16 years disappeared one night isn’t acceptable and that feeling any sadness is a short jump from suicide) but that I, someone who felt guilty for and tried to avoid killing ants, was also homicidal.

I can not find the words to describe what I felt when I read that. For the record I want to do neither of those things… but I still can’t decide what is worse – that either my person was willing to use my pain to score points in a divorce… or that she thought I actually wanted to kill myself and her choice of action wasn’t to even ask someone to check on me… but to file that order.

It is beyond mind-boggling to find myself here with the person I thought I’d spend my life with only a few short weeks ago. And to top it off, because the universe is a cruel place, the person I would talk to about any of this is the one person I can’t speak to.

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