Still Crying – Divorce Journal
It’s just rounding on 6 weeks today, and 4 weeks from any real contact. It has… not gotten better. Ignoring all of the legal stuff (I have a heart attack whenever I get an email these days), I’m just left alone in the house wondering where it all went wrong.
Looking back on things even a few months ago, I thought we had our issues, but nothing like a sudden no contact divorce.
Each night, it seems to be a little more difficult to get to sleep, and each morning a little harder to get up. I’ve seemed to exhaust the goodwill my friends could offer (and unfortunately, my best friend is the one who has left), and every step I take to make things better seems to fall flat.
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My wife has done everything she seems to possibly be able to do to make this as hard on me as possible (and not stuff to look out for her own well being, purely vindictive and spiteful things) and I can’t even recognize the person I thought I was spending my life with anymore.
Ignoring the fact that I’ve seen much of my planned future shatter before me, I never imagined her, of all people, willing to be go out of her way to hurt me.
What she’ll probably never know (and isn’t helping with my feelings this week) – I had a surprise vacation planned for us this past weekend. She works in a hospital and has dealt with COVID patients most of this past year. On top of that, we were trapped inside for her 30th birthday – as you can imagine, someone who is watching people die from COVID isn’t big on going anywhere recently. To make up some of that I had set up a fairly elaborate vacation for once I cleared my 2nd vaccine shot – extremely nice hotel on the beach, fancy meal reservations, gifts, flowers – the works.
All canceled in the past few weeks, but plenty of calendar reminders I forgot to remove. The gifts I’m largely stuck with – they were ordered long ago. While it was never going to compensate for what she went through this year, I hoped it would be a nice reset for the coming year as well as a nice time for us (and quite out of character for me to put together to be honest).
As with some of my other posts, not a ton of point to this, just venting as I sit here at 3am crying. While I know I had my own failings in the relationship, nothing I’ve done has ever made me worthy of deserving this… for what cold comfort that is.