Blog
Why Her Post Divorce Glow Up Happens
Written by Abby Eckel
It’s always “so she could have a post divorce glow up for a new man” and never “what was dimming her glow in the marriage?”
I’ve always found it ironic that something so simple is so out of the realm of comprehension for most men. That’s the ability to look at their own marriages, their own selves and see their own role in its demise.
Statistically speaking, single moms have more leisure time than married moms. Dads overall have more leisure time than their wives. That glow doesn’t just come from a physical aspect, it comes to all areas. That glow can come from finding who you are again after having kids in various ways.
Men aren’t going to like hearing this, but in most marriages, they are one of the biggest, if not the sole reasons their wives never get back to who they were pre-kids. In all ways. And not that she’s ever going to be who she was pre-kids, because she shouldn’t. No one should be. There’s growth and change and evolution in ways that will and should change a person after they have kids.
But after divorce or separation, not only does she physically have more time for herself – with being physically child-free for more than an hour to go to the grocery store – but she mentally does as well. She now only TRULY has herself and the kids to think about. And that drops around 200+ lbs right there.
See, if you listen closely, or just listen at all – women will tell you it is not the physical demands of motherhood that hinder their growth and fulfillment. It is the mental and invisible labor. It is caring for and managing not just themselves and the kids, but also their husbands.
Not only do they become the primary caregiver, they become the default parent, the home project manager, calendar connaisseur. And women will tell you this is exhausting on a level they simply couldn’t have anticipated even if they tried.
Of having to be everything for everyone. All knowing, ever present, always regulating and managing. In its simplest form – when women separate or divorce – they have more freedom in every aspect of their life almost. They find themselves again when they’re not having to constantly be worrying about, caring for, considering and managing another adult who was supposed to be a partner but quickly became another child to manage.
Now, before the men go “well she never let me do anything my way,” or “she never asked me for help,” or “she never told me what was wrong or how to fix things,” or “she was a control freak and nothing I did was ever good enough,” I’m going to offer some insight.
No one told her what to do. No one told her how to manage a home, family calendar, kid’s, schools emails, work, sports, etc. You let it default to her. So she became the owner of it. When you’re the owner of a task you find the most efficient, effective way to get it done. So naturally, she would have standards to which things get done, as anyone would. And if you ask to do a task, then don’t do it the way she has, or do it poorly because you know she will never ask you to do it again – then you’re not trustworthy, you’re not reliable.
This isn’t for just a few areas of her life – it’s the vast majority of them. She’s shouldering the vast majority of this labor. When that’s lessened – lightened. She becomes unburdened, she finds herself again. She has TIME and energy to do so. She can workout for herself, she can renew old hobbies. She’s happier, healthier, “glowed up.”
All because she’s no longer carrying all the labor, she’s mentally unburdened by a lot of it too and we’re back to the beginning – the mental and invisible labor being the heaviest.