I can Speak Freely Now
I told my mom that I hired a lawyer. She was happier than I thought she would be. How many of you found out how people really felt about your relationship after you filed for divorce and they felt they could speak freely?
I finally gave up (or I’m just simply exhausted) after so many years of feeling like I was the only adult in my relationship and put down a retainer on an attorney. All of my patience and willingness to do what it would take to get to a better marriage finally ran out. I’m was doing all the doing and trying and she would do just barely enough to make it seem like she was trying, but would always fall back into bad habits.
I finally accepted that my wife either has no intentions, or simply cannot, do what it takes to be a partner and if I stay with her. Maybe it is ADHD. Maybe it is depression. I don’t think she will ever have any real motivations to deal with her issues until I no longer around to support her. I took all the toys and resources away and it didn’t make a difference. I have given her leeway for years. I lowered my expectations as low as I could go.
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I told my mother and I was surprised at how happy she was about my decision. She told me that she has felt like my wife has been taking advantage of me for years. She told me that she felt like my wife has been using her medical conditions as an excuse to not help me maintain our household and that my willingness to take on all of the work (cleaning the home, paying all the bills, so on and so on) gave her an easy out.
My mother told me that she feels like my wife may have overstated the extent of her disabilities because she could see I would be the type of person to try and be the savior. She also asked me a question that I had never really asked myself: how long someone would have tolerated me if the shoe had been on the other foot. I had to admit to myself that I probably would have been kicked out a long time ago.
I tried hard to make my marriage work. I thought that is what I was supposed to do. In hindsight, I realize that I took too much on myself. I also know that I have poor boundaries and that I have allowed people to take advantage of me many times in the past. I don’t know why it was so hard for me to recognize that my wife may be doing the same thing to me. I guess she knew that all she had to do was show me a lot of affection.
I wonder now how much of it was genuine or if she was just laying it on thick to keep me around. I wonder if I had imposed more discipline on my wife and had given her real consequences if it would have helped. I was too soft and it is my fault. It makes me wonder if anyone has ever loved me or if I’m too soft and weak to ever really be loved. I know that no one loves a doormat. I’ve been a doormat all my life. I am a wimp and I guess I get what I deserve. I know I have a lot of self work to do.
How many of you have been surprised by the reactions of people around you when you told them you were getting a divorce?